I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
It all came flooding back to me: there was a woman with one hand
I left when they started reinacting what appeared to be a jerry springer episode
Fuck your 100 proof Hot Damn. Do you know what 100 proof vomit tastes like? Anger.
I think he's having people over to watch him get way too drunk again
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
I'm still in my ugly sweater and underwear drinking coffee next to a plate of assorted treats we stole from the party. I got a new sweater by the way, its shoulderpad-y and looks like a news anchor got thrown up on by Liberace. I'm pretty proud.
It's either gonna be a cock in my mouth or a burger. You decide which.
How do you respond to a booty call from yesterday?
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
He was an asshole the entire night and then tried to touch my dick in a Michaels craft store.
Sooooo, no second date?
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but a penn state hat. We are....
found $100 my ex got arrested and I can receive free health insurance I gotta tell ya 2014 is really going to be my year
But what is a man profited, if he should gain Joe Biden and lose Alex Trebek?
Of course he’s dumb. He’s got a 9 inch dick! There’s not enough blood in his body for a big dick and a big brain. It’s science
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