I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
Would it be inappropriate to do lines in front of the cable guy?
You should probably wake up already as I have yet another story for you. Teaser? Blood from knife wound. Tequila. Guitar hero. Kitchen counter. Lawyer.
We had sex after spending two hours in the drunk tank. It was really deep and meaningful
Fuck. These are the symptoms I had when I was pregnant. This could be bad.
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
Hefty paycheck and not get wasted can't exist in the same night
Listen to me plotting my whoredom.
Call me old fashioned but i like to drunk dial a girl 2 or 3 times before sending a dick pic
Based on the time of Sean's "I'm on your street" phone call last night, we had sex for an hour and a half. Man, time flies when you're getting boned to an orgasmic death.
Ps you missed quite a show. I was for some reason whipping my hair back and forth and head butted the tip jar. It shattered and now I have a circular bruise on my forehead. All the bartenders hit the floor to get all the quarters.
you know you're a stoner girl when you get a callus from your grinder
The guy like flippppped out and made me pay $15 for a car wash. I thought I was being extremely courteous by making sure to puke outside the window
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