dude you need to get laid
me?
no, the other guy who hasn't been laid in 7 months
oh I thought you were talkin about me
wait
My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
remind me to tell you what i found stuck to me this morning
she said "the two best ways to sober up are to nurse someone or give a blowjob" and im gonna go along with it.
Apparently I texted my high school english teacher asking her to tell me what logical fallacies she taught us three years ago.
To my wonderful winter break booty calls: thank you for making this holiday season enjoyable. I look forward to seeing you boys again this summer.
I like to think I'd be good at dodging genitalia.
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
scratch that I can tell you where she is shes drunk on a beach somewhere being a penis slayer
Come help me clean and have sexual intercourse with me
Bring breadsticks
Im gonna go for the gay guy. The ginger is freaking me out.
I'm hoping the sedatives kick in before I drunkenly decide to eat this whole cheesecake.
He just told me I was beautiful, whilst I peed into a cup. If this isn't love I don't know what is.
Randomize
