Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
I just did the classiest thing ever.
last time you said that you got chlamydia.
Heads up. We filled your kiddie pool with kool-aid and vodka. Things are about to get Out. Of. Hand. Quickly.
I am not saying a eulogy for your vibrator.
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
I like the odds of his and my children being professional athletes too. To support me in my old age, see I do think about the future.
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
She refuses to believe she pulled down her pants and spanked her ass in front of us
It's been two days. I am still burping up jello. Everything tastes like jello. Everything smells like jello. I am DONE with jello shots.
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
I just gate-crahed a party and met a state senator, so I had an interesting afternoon jog.
Rebecca hasn't has this number in 3 months. Please tell all her friends to stop calling at 3 am. We are not interested in buying or selling drugs nor do we want to hook up with anyone. You all need to go to rehab.
I'm determining which apartments I'm mostly to move into based on how suitable the kitchens are for sex .
Thanks for not letting me choke to death on my vomit last night
Thank you for attempting to organize my DVDs in chronological and alphbetical order
Randomize
