He's either a really good actor or an actual prince, I'm fine with both so I'll sleep with him.
He insisted on sleeping in my bed. Had he taken all of my obvious hints I would have sucked his dick. He only wanted to snuggle. My world has been turned upside down.
Just found the video that explains the neighborhood applause. Your landlord is awesome, and the clothes are on the roof
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
Dude I'm looking through my old high school year book and I circled every girl I fucked.. what was wrong with me.
I'm going to make an art book filled with pics of me peeing in every bar bathroom I've ever been in. Dedicating it to you. You're welcome.
You hid from a cop under some guy's canoe on his lawn.. It didnt work
Oh, I never thought you were a dick. You were one of the best morally comprised ideas I've ever had.
Do you know how disconcerting it is to hear the sound a dog makes while it drinks water and find out that it's someone eating you out?
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
I'm sitting at dinner with my family looking over sexts. The thirst is far too real. They're talking about retail and I'm like haha, yes, you are all correct.
I want to get a list going called "D list celebs I've kissed"
I literally cut myself out of my pants. What is my life.
It was a tough decision either lay in bed or go to work and lay in the stockroom
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
Randomize
