Your vagain smells worse when im sober.
sorry, worng number
connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
We did however see an 87 year old guy die and get resuscitated last night at the bar. He then finished his beer and his game of pool.
I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid
whenever he tweets that he wants to get blackout it's like a neon sign for "i want to bang you tonight"
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
Withdrawals are gods way of saying "you're still my bitch"
Also, thank you for letting me cry in your lap on the bathroom floor. I can't remember if I was clothed at that point, but if I wasn't, extra thank you.
you know she was a bad idea when your mom offers to pay for an eHarmony account
I should become a firefighter. Who uses his cock to fight fires. Like a Superhero.
Is her dick bigger than yours?
Exactly man. Who needs doctors when you have vodka and hot knives.
Pregaming at Jodi's. Ten minutes
Thought it was at Brad's?
Pregaming the pregame. Need alcohol before I can see that dick.
I THINK HE DOES. OMG!!!!! OMG I FUCKED A GUY W A FAKE LEG AND I DIDN'T EVEN KNOW!!!!!!????!!!!!!!!!
Randomize
