just prayed to lady gaga in hopes it will help me pass my fashion merchandising final...what is my life?
i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
They just kept handing me shots and saying welcome to college
While you were hooking up with her I pulled you off to make sure you knew what you were doing.
You said you were "testing the product for Chris."
I'm a bad man.
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
His roommates came in and started a dance party in his room while we were having sex. He said it wasnt the first time.
Just sucked some sandy dick on a boardwalk & now I'm at a family reunion hbu
Last night I somehow got INCREDIBLY wasted & thought it was a good idea to make a group chat with all the guys I'm hooking up with and just say "bye." soo I'm hiding out till next week.
And let me tell you, getting your ass waxed is the weirdest fucking experience.
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
So you're not opposed to us ever having sex again? Because it just seems like such a waste to let a penis like yours go.
We should form a club for all of us that have stabbed a sibling with a fork!
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