Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
At least my shower head will respect me in the morning.
I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
We just for robbed for the second time. I believe the only thing I have left to my name is my $75 dildo
You had us pull over so you could pee, you proceeded to pee in some random persons front yard while yelling "im not ashamed"
So after this weekend I think I'm gonna go down on one knee and propose to my boyfriend that he give me his liver.
Weve literally been going out drinking five days a week. That counts as a full time job right?
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
We all just did coke and we're coloring so if you're sober its pointless for you to come over here
You fell out of the chair and then lifted your foot saying, "If my foot could give you the middle finger it would."
Final Summary: could he eat a lit sparkler? Probably. Could he do it while peeing off the roof? I'll tell you when you get to the ER.
Just had to kick my 26 yr old boyfriend out of my bed before getting the kids up for school. Have I mentioned being 41 doesn't suck as much as all the hype.
Got stuck at my fwb place for three days because I decided sex was more important than my safety in the weather. Worth it.
He has no idea he's waking up in slut palace tomorrow morning
What's with guys asking if I wanna "kick it" like I'm some fucking 19 year old
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