your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
You were so drunk last night you typed www.face.come/cheese.com as if you were logging into facebook.
He thinks that since we have been dating six months, that he can do the helicopter with his penis. Not okay.
Gave a homeless guy 3 bucks earlier. Just saw him at the bar. He bought one beer and left. Happy to see my 3 dollars was well spent
I've spent more money on drugs for bonnaroo than my actual ticket. Proudly.
I can't drink with the moms anymore. All they talk about is lactating.
Whiskey dick has taught us to be smart with our time.
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
I told you you to bring something to share....you brought tequila and a condom
Go to the bar. Find a girl. Ask if she can cook. Tell her you have a guitar at home. Ask her if she wants to see it. Bring her home. Sleep with her. Tell her it's your birthday in the morning. Enjoy your made with lust breakfast.
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
Remember when we tried to have fun last time..? I got put in a choke hold and you woke up in some ones car.
Do you know this guy sitting in front of us? Asking for my vagina.
answer honestly do you think i can make a bloody mary with ketchup????
Randomize
