You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
So tired and we had a cokehead in the salon today making us bleach her whole head because she thought it would let her pass her drug test for custody of her kid
Oh.My.God.
i just traded a sweatshirt for margaritas... why did they ever stop using the barter system??!!
One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
Let's just say there's a reason that "suede" rhymes with "laid".
I'd say this is worse than that time when I realized that my favorite bath toy growing up was my Mom's douche bottle.
just letting you know that jen either: wasn't feeling well and ate grass to make herself throw up or threw up because she's stupid and ate grass
Well it looked like you were having a fucking apiphany sitting at the toilet with a t shirt around your head
also, I heard you can donate your eggs for like $8gs....hellloooo mediterranean vacation. thank youuuu future babies!!!
It was at the same house, but a different party, when lesbians set me on fire. So there's that.
I'm on the same pooping schedule as a professor I've never had. He now says what's up to me in the hallway
I did this clutch move yesterday at the bar where I grabbed a plastic cup for water and discreetly threw up in it while walking around and then tossed it. It was my best boot and rally ever
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
Hey do you remember me?
You were a giant banana.... how could I forget.
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