Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
I just remembered yelling "they're gonna let me be a lawyer! Me! Why would they do that?"
They should try giving mcdonalds to cancer patients because it just cured the worst hangover ive ever had
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
I'm drugging my best friend. I'm like a whole new level of bitch.
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
Had no idea what his name was when I woke up. Went through his desk, found his tax records. Ben. And loaded.
Well I tried to call you. I was convinced my body was made of wood. But the Xmas lights in my room helped
I sold weed for gas money to get home. I thought that's what college was for.
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
You decided that walking wasn't in the cards for you anymore
All I see when I think of you are dancing penis angels around your head.
Why is my vagina being sacrificed for yours? I'm sure he would take a piece of you too. Your turn.
YOU BETTER TOUCH MY NIPPLES TODAY
If I shall die, I wish to bequeath to you my personal library, my sigma tau delta presidency and all it's apparel, and a puppy.
Randomize
