i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
At what point did I decide it would be a good idea to fill my contact case with vodka
His penis was definitely too big to be the type that wants commitment. Shit.
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
Na Im fine, just need to un-grow this vagina I've developed
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
I just replaced the poop spray with an air horn... Now we wait!
His front door was open but I INSISTED on army crawling FOOT FIRST under the garage door. Then I peed the bed.
When I come home and take my bra off and I'm served with a perfect grilled cheese along with a glass of wine. Priceless.
I just traded sex to frolic with a box of husky puppies. Is this rock bottom?
Tacos and sex are way better than any anti depressant pill ever was. I think I made a medical discovery here.
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
i woke up on the floor in front of the fireplace and my last google search was "fuck sponges"
I think my liver just tried to kill me, we need to slow down
He made me ask permission to to cum and it made me cum.
Randomize
