It's sad that I have started checking out the ring finger before the rack...I'm getting old
you were making out, puked over his shoulder and insisted everything was okay
She looked at my facebook and decided to bump the security deposit up an extra 250...now we have to destroy the house, its expected and I wouldn't want to disappoint
I'm applying temporary tattoos with green beer, this is the life.
By this time tomorrow I expect us to be sitting at the kitchen table either playing a drinking game, or crying. Set an alarm
So some sort of safe sex group just flash mobbed the bar by putting condoms over people's beers.
They left screaming as a hale of lubbed up condoms rained into their hair.
It was like bizarre-o star trek. I shamefully went where every man has gone before.
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
Everyone called me "Barf Vader".. And I lost your lightsaber.
When we got home I apparently addressed everyone as 'peasant' since it was my birthday, this followed by me demanding for my "peasants to wash me".
I'm surronded by jorts. You're probably too drunk to care. I'm gonna cry now. Love you.
He took me out to dinner to tell me we had to stop fucking so randomly
Honestly wish he pleased me as much as queso does
Did I penguin dive down a hill last night?
All three of the bartenders here have screwed my boss, so he's definitely gay. Unfortunately for you he seems to have a type and you're not it.
All she said was "Do me by Friday."
Randomize
