I'm sorry my penis didn't work
they just came back. i guess "were gonna go get dinner" means "were gonna fuck for 5 minutes at the little league field"
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
she drove 3 hrs one way just to sleep with me. I felt bad complaining about paying for condoms.
I could hear them screwing through my bedroom wall again this morning, so I started beat boxing to the tempo.
TAKE ALL THE MAERHMALLOWS AND PUT THEM ALL IN THE MAGICAL NIGHTSTAND
Its okay, i dont mind you drinking, im just surrounded by it, there is some random dude laying on your couch with a bucket that ive never seen before
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
Yea. It was an issue. Great time though. Apparently I went through the coat check, put my coat on and forgot I had it so I tried to go through again and just didn't understand why thy weren't helping me. Dave coat checked his pants.
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
Pretty sure my idea of standards went out the window when I hooked up with a guy who had a rooster tattoo with an arrow pointing down to his no no bits. Think about it.
I have bite marks all over my ass. Is that an acceptable excuse for missing class?
last night you told me I had a dark, salty butthole
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
From now on he's gonna have to shave first. It feels like I got eaten out by a chainsaw!
Randomize
