I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
i love that when i tell my kids and grandkids about how we first met it will be about this little thing called a "poke" on facebook
There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
How do you set tits on fire ? I swear her tits were on fire.
Almost just got kicked out of a bar because the locals spilled beer everywhere when we taught them to shotgun.
So. How about you can get tequila certified...
get ready to load up the weird cannon and blow a load of buck-wildness all over the place people
I woke up with the Dorothy costume at my ankles, both sparkly red shoes on, and clutching ToTo....we're not in Kansas anymore, dude
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
Laying in bed nude eating a Big Mac with a cat. It's gonna be a good year.
I knew he was a classy dude because when I told him my name was Jen he said "Gin? Like Gin & Juice?"
I just need some of your time and all of your body.
For a girl who cried from fear the last time she was asked out, this. Is. TERRIFYING!
Do not let Mike show you his naughty Santa Claus outfit. It's a super long beard and crotchless pants.
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
Randomize
