I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
I thought stuff was gonna go really bad after he filled the super-soaker with kerosene. but it all turned out pretty well.
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
Finished watching the entire first season of mighty morphing power rangers. Now I have nothing. Not even a life.
No longer allowed at circus circus apparently fuvking in the elevator is frowned upon.
He came up to me looked at my tits said they were huge, rated them a 7 and then asked if girls really do masterbate. To make it better, he put his hand up to my face and said his penis is longer than my face...
Omg, those nutella cakes are heavenly, like licking the nipples of a muscular black Jesus.
I assume you passed out however I'm drinking jäger and beer in bed with my cat so your friendship world have been appreciated
I think I'm actually too depressed to do drugs, wow.
My New Year's resolution is to chill out on the group sex. At least with my friends anyway.
He told me he loved me...but added "you crazy bitch" at the end. Does it still count???
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
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