The last thing i remember was high fiving everyone on the planet.
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
Actually considered writing down one of the numbers on the bathroom stall. That's how much I miss vagina.
other than her wanting kids and me wanting to do drugs,were perfect for each other
We fucked in my basement while hiding from the cops.. And now his Facebook picture is him and others holding up there MIP's in front of my house.. I feel obligated to add him as a friend.
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
So we just smoked a bowl, out of an antler, with this old dude, while standing at the bar. Dude just walked up and said we were in his spot, just began packing it and handing it around...
Banana suit guy has an entourage and they're all douchebags. There is no god.
This kid wants me to stop partying. Like I have only known you for 5 days. Chill.
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
This lady is talking to me and all I can think about is getting face fucked and doing cocaine. Not neccesarily together and not neccesarily in that order
Randomize
