Ugh now I'll have to carry around an overnight bag to all the bars I visit tonight. but hey! maybe I'll meet a dude! And need it!
Astroglide: It's like Bengay for your ass.
Just burped. Tasted like beer and cherios...Beerios. This is gonna be quite a day.
I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
I passed out leaning next to a light pole. When the cop woke me up at 4 AM, I told him I was a block away from the apt, just had to stop to make a puke pit stop.
There are now half chewed girl scout cookies plastered to my windshield. Do you know anything about this?
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
I think your dad took our porno
I have to masturbate tonight while watching every Paul Walker movie ever made. It's what he would have wanted. RIP Paul.
I think you just described to us the most perfect drunken fairy tale that has somehow never been written
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
Ever since I got to LA my dream self has been having sex with way too many rabbi's.
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
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