Do you know that poor pathetic girl that we should be friends with
I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
every facebook tagged picture of yours, you are either drinking, swimming or drunk in water
Just FYI, I'm breaking up with my boyfriend tonight and you need to be on call to be my first rebound bang
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
That man deserves a slow clap... He defied the power of the vagina
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
Sorry bro I thought you were kidding. If I'm actually jerking off I usually said "Just a sec getting dressed" or something
You kept ranting how Captain Planet is getting shortchanged in the superhero department. Other than that you kept it together
woke with Taco Bell next to me in bed and people's shoe sizes written on my arm.
I mean I've seen her tits but I don't know what her voice sounds like
All I remember is the bartender saying your sucking them down and waking up on the floor in my underwear
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
Why did you have to tell me he has a hammer cock? Now I can’t stop staring at his pants.
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