Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
that's just what I need...drunk ass people throwin hatchets in the dark.
Single handedly the worst sex I've ever had just went down. Its like we both laid there after word-less thinking about the other " could they be any worse in bed" ?
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
I dove into a random van at the bar as the door was closing and ended up at some house with people I've never met in my life dancing in a basement
I'm mentally preparing myself to hang out with him by staring into the mirror saying "thou shalt not get naked" over and over.
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
Can't. Busy recovering from the worst pulled muscle of my life that I got either from excessively acrobatic boning or carrying a huge fucking ice luge down the street while wearing 4 inch heels
woke up in a random sweater in a random bed in a random house on a street I don't recognize..
also, I vaguely remember swapping shirts with some random guy on the dance floor.
I just climbed out the passenger side of my car because there was a spider on mine. I'm doing adulthood right
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
This is not my bathroom and these are not my pants
All I ever do is give guys anxiety problems and flaccid penises.
Were you the one who yelled "FOR GLORYHOLE!" then punched a hole through my door?
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
Randomize
