I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
I decided to buy a keg of Miller Lite instead of paying the electric bill. Just thought I'd give you a heads up...
I think I'm finally maturing. I'm happy he found someone. Good for him. I sincerely hope she doesn't choke on his tiny penis.
I'm really good at handling things like foreskin and speech impediments.
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
Gosh, I don't even have that. Let alone someone to tie me up and whip me with Twizzlers.
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
Well his dad is my dentist so they've both been in my mouth.
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
My skirt was too short for the church and I brought my flask to the Scrooge play. God bless us, everyone!
He signed my ass with a Waffle House pen.
Oh and it took quite a bit of doing, but I managed to wipe my butt with the hat you left in my car
He just texted me asking for his shirt back and I said I didn't have it and then I ran into him 5 minutes later while wearing the said shirt
If I don’t find a quality dick soon I’m going to beg the neighbor for another threesome with her and her husband. It’s like Covid killed all the quality penis Vegas normally has
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