Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
The glockenspiel player has some booze though so hopefully the ride won't be that bad
I bruised his dick. I bruised his dick WITH MY MOUTH!! I've never felt more accomplished.
Well, I now know how many glasses of wine it takes for me to fuck my neighbor.
My life now consists of 2 time frames. BV before vibrator and AD after death of my sex life.
In your drunken glory you promised me, tongue, 12 naked pics, and 1,800 breakfasts.
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
There's a ton of international students in my suite and I'm just sitting in this chair with no pants on eating frosted flakes
I watched you down those shots like a lion cub watching its mother rip apart a gazelle
Thinking of someone think of me while masturbating while I masturbate. & that's how the over thinkers do it ✌️
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
Does your drug dealer have a printer I can use??
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
Randomize
