Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
I was just informed that you are the reason for my 2 missing front teeth.
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
Oh god I may vomit into the teacup of debauchery.
How was your 8:30 class today?
Non existent. I just threw up in my water bottle on the bus.
We dropped so many bottles they would only give us plastic cups. We actually drank ourselves back to preschool.
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
i cant believe im seriously wearing his ex girlfriends underwear right now
i sent my dealer a picture of the money i would pay him. i also told him i would pay him in cheez-its if he would prefer that.
His roommate walked in then asked "well did you at least finish". What a way to start your birthday
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
My last Google search was 'can an impotent man have sex'. I don't even want to know what I did with that guy.
He broke through his window then signed his name on the biggest peice of glass from it. I think they framed it and named it 'best party ever'
You asked him if he would have sex with you under the dinosaur. He declined and then you started crying, blaming the sand.
Randomize
