Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
I would have been "that girl" at the party last night if it wasn't for that girl who puked in the potted plant...
I've got 15 minutes to eat dinner and drink a 40. Four years of college has all been training for this moment.
That still doesn't explain why you thought it was a good idea to paint a cow on my guitar
Just heard a guy on the phone saying " ya ill buy the eight ball " then came to my register to ask what asile the sugar substitute is on.
I honestly don't know what my boundaries are, but shitting on me is crossing them.
i lost my airplane ticket and tried to board with a bar receipt in all the confusion. i have officially lost all brain cells in college.
Just sucked a bong hit straight from my girlfriends mouth & pretended I was a Dementor. Life just 87% more like HP.
he could've at least fucked me twice. that's just common courtesy.
I lost my flask somewhere between dancing shirtless to The Spice Girls and walking around Wawa opening/eating things and putting them back.
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
I mean I only got hit in the ass with ONE firework
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
im shaving my vagina and listening to frank sinatra, im coming over after
sarah's view on last night: a threesome to make things less awkward. oh, well done.
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