Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
if he's not good at sex i should be allowed to have sex with someone who is. that's a totally legit statement i think
so i realized that everyone figured out i was a slut before i did. then i realized that no one felt like telling me. sometimes i think you just keep me around for entertainment.
you're right.
i was so high it looked like the chipmunks movements were coordinated to that lady gaga song
I caught a rooster roaming Edison Park then released it in the bar. They made me try to catch it again and somebody played the chicken dance while I chased it
He then proceeded to try to whisper up my nose...
friends with benefits? more like friends with awkward sexual tension
All I want in this world right now are Doritoessssss
OK. You going to get home safe? Who are you with?
Doritoesssssss
We were all singing so you said you were going to play a percussion instrument... the crackers.
Things were easy when he was just a penis. Now he's a penis with feelings.
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
Can you get the dildos out of the shower before the maids come?
My sister and her gf showed up at my door with no pants on at 4 AM talking claiming its hot.
Randomize
