Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
She was so bad on top that i found myself watching a TV that wasn't even turned on
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
how are you gonna miss the world cup? other than the olympics it's our last way to assert our dominance over China after this economic bull shit
someone wrote on his wall: "congrats on your engagement"
I think you may want to look into that...
there's another hole in my ceiling...someone fell through the attic this time....
Hey guy that stepped on my foot, don't slap my ass to apologize.
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
There was an unopened condom by my car when I went to pick it up this morning. Someone may have fucked on the hood of my car last night. Don't think it was me but I can't rule it out 100%.
Also I stopped in the middle of the road and put my hazards on because BUNNIES WERE PLAYING
Keywords: shitstorm, police, jail.
Like why am I even still facebook friends with a guy I let finger me at a concert?
Do normal couples celebrate occasions naked with Chicken McNuggets and BBQ sauce?
Hey what are you up to?
I am wear the people with the mustaches live. I have found their home.
DUDE, WE BOUGHT THE ACID TOGETHER.
Dad is wasting no time getting back out there. Just walked in on him and a Twin Peaks waitress in the hot tub
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