if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
Wanna hang out, and by hang out I mean go get plan B... and maybe lunch, but mostly plan b
Doing lines off a plate that says, "things go better with coke."
Eric and I just went in the hallway to practice our new handshake in a real life situation at live speeds. That high.
Got home to the hotel 3hrs ago per texts sent not in english to not a full phone number
I think Facebook knows you fucked me. All of a sudden I get everything you do in my news feed.
I spent half an hours grinding with a drunk Harry Potter cosplayer at the con rave. Pretty sure I felt his wand.
That's how all the girlfriends are. Oh he's a boy, no worries, then BAM. I blow their boyfriend.
apparently when she asked me how drunk I was on a scale of 1-10, I answered "bitch I'm fabulous" and tried to do a sassy hairflip. but I have short hair.
what could you have possibly accomplished by watching 6 hours of a mythbusters marathon
well, i added sex in a wind tunnel to my bucket list
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
i have to pee so bad and he is sleeping and idk where the bathroom or my clothes are!!!
Randomize
