Fun fact: he pulled out my nuva ring while he was fingering me.. he looked really confused at me and it a couple of times, so i just said "surprise! not only is it good for pleasure, it's also really handy for storing plastic toys." I'm thinking he's definately gonna call.
FUCK TREES I CLIMB BUOYS MOTHERFUCKER
STOP listening to that song
why is there a sandwich nailed to the wall
can your parents tell?
i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know
He would stand there for a few seconds with a blank look on his face then randomly start running full sprint towards macdonalds. We'd catch him and he'd promise to stop so we'd let him go and he'd do it again.
oh awks just saw the head of medical staff who I punched the bottle of wine at
He brought a jar of pickles to the party. So now I've had beer, animal crackers, AND a pickle since noon.
My vibrator challenges you to a duel.
I think I just inadvertently started a sex competition with my roommate and her boyfriend.
Using the random money I found in my bra from Halloween to pay to print my bio notes. I only brought a debit to the bar. College win.
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
My diet fell off the wagon when I began texting the pizza delivery guy my location on frat row.
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
like, there were so many other better not terrible choices you could have made, so i'm honestly baffled that you managed to fuck up that bad
Randomize
