he told me I talked like a deaf person
it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
about to get into a hot tub with three cops. this cant go well
drunken yoga. on the beach. senior week. you have been chosen <3
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
we were hooking up and then he goes "you can touch my penis" and i laughed too hard to do anything. no second date.
A blind man just put his face in my cleavage. I'm also crying.
We got buck wild in our animal onesies last night. You kept ripping off your tail in angry rages.
We looked in every room for condoms... It was the sexiest scavenger hunt ever.
Fuck off I wasn't that drunk. I was still able to toss froot loops in the air and catch them in my mouth.
And in your bra. It was quite entertaining.
you were caressing the jar of pickles then you looked down and whispered to them "I want you inside me"
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
He just went to a job interview a sharpie moustache drawn on his face..
High me is so sweet. She left not-high me a fortune from a fortune cookie and 6 packets of soy sauce in my tampon drawer.
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