Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
forget your mom, you can see her anytime. A one night stand only happens ONE night.
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
Is snow just God skeeting all over the place??
Yes. Yes it is.
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
The funny thing is, we kinda did bring guys home cause you had a fort...
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
It's Been clinically proven that people who have sex 6 or more times per week are happier than those who don't. Just and FYI. For your mental health. From a soon so be psychologist. Who is drunk.
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
we were both freshly single and using each other as rebounds. most intense sex I've ever had. i felt like a grizzly bear emerging from hibernation in a whirlwind of sexual fury
Oh no that was the time I did the walk of shame with no shoes
I'm sitting in the shotgun seat of my car on full recline trying to pretend everything is ok
sometime during the night he found me in the empty hotttub singing marvins room in only my bra.
Oh god I just had an orgasim riding my bike. I need to get laid pronto.
Randomize
