I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
lesson #67 learned in college: a three day old margarita, is still a margarita.
im using the astroglide sample u sent me as a bookmark for the book im using to write my midterm paper. i need to get laid. bad.
Fun Fact: The stage were about to graduate on is where we once drove a van and kidnapped someone.
Fun Fact 2: My parents are sitting by the bushes I peed in this weekend.
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
nope im down the street in my car watching the front of her house. its actually less creepy than it sounds
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
The sad thing is; I'm getting used to walking around feeling like I could hurl at any minute.
Maybe the problem is guy has to ask his wife if he can go out to lunch with his girlfriend for an hour...
I almost died in that meeting. Nearly dried up and blew away in the pure powder form of boredom
I know that feel bro
Hooking up with him was lovely.. but waking up in his bed the next morning and finding double stuffed oreos... I mean.... I won
I think my ball sweat smells like waffle house. might be time to change up drunken eating habits
If those panties could talk.
"Once upon a time, Jenny got chlamydia from a magician. The end."
dude the last time we saw him was 2 nights ago when he was yelling that the trees were naked or some shit then he ran into the forest. I think its time for a search party
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
Randomize
