I feel like our house is getting pulled over.
im pretty sure i just saw someone trying to catch a fish with his penis
Girls behind me in the library are trying to outslut each other with stories from last semester. I'm about to set my cock on the table between them and label it "tie breaker"
I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
I don't think I own any pants that haven't seen his bedroom floor anymore...
Friends dont let friends get hit with a flaming baton without warning
After last night, I've decided I will now bang only men who professionally ride things for a living. I will accept jockeys, cowboys, bullriders, and pro bicyclists who lie and say they're bullriders.
tequilla shots with my grandparents? christmas visiting just got so much better
Never thought I would be taunted by little kids about my walk of shame
You know what id love more than anything right now? ..a back rub while eating biscuits and gravy
Yes. Ice cream tacos are an important aspect in the bridge of friendship
if he becomes president of the united states, I will tell EVERYONE that i took his virginity.
Think i may just have managed the saddest high-five in history. Finished a sudoku and high-fived myself, then looked around for somebody to high five. there was noone. forever alone.
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
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