Lets start the night off early. Those Coronas arent going to throw themselves up.
I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
yeah a little bit of me felt bad about it. But the rest of me was having sex with him.
I'm so pissed my boobs hit the emergency stop button during my workout
This time, try to not get fingered in the middle of the living room.
I DIDNT GET FINGERED
I was rubbed
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
She's like an enigma, wrapped in a riddle, tossed in miller light, inside a question. Nobody can explain a Heather.
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
Nice. The Governor's son bruised my vagina.
That's going to be the title of my memoir.
He said he didnt want to choke me, I said im sorry thats a deal breaker.
Is it sad that I just pissed sitting down so I didn't have to stop eating doritos?
Yeah totally passed out in their trash can last night.
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