genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
I knew he was a nice guy, because when we switched positions he flipped the mattress so I wouldn't have to lay in a pool of his sweat.
I'm not sure...it could be the pasta I ate from her sink, the dominoes, or just the alcohol. Or a wicked combination of all 3.
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
Gotta get new sheets. ..I fucked the satin off mine.
Was your wine and cheese snap taken from the toilet?
You're officially the most high maintenance man I've ever had inside me.
Meh, all I have to do tomorrow is proctor an AP test. No loud noises and no physical activity allowed for almost 4 hours. Sounds like the perfect recovery period for a hangover.
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
I'm glad you don't care about kids. That's one of your better qualities.
she's pretty fucking smug for someone who has had unprotected sex with a convicted felon
No, it's okay that he's on a date. I attach no more emotion to him than I do my vibrator.
Randomize
