Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
you know the rule: 3 consecutive asian hookups makes you an asian fetish guy, no exceptions
We had sex in the woods. It was great until some bird started mimicking my orgasm sounds
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
I asked what you thought of her and you replied not the biggest I have had
was I really that bad?
you army crawled across the kitchen floor, turned the cat into "super kitty" and crawled into the dog cage
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
I just shotgunned a beer and my lipstic didnt BUDGE. MERICUHH
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
I do not mind being torn from the first touches of sleep to see a man who looks like that
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
He apologized for cumming on my leg, but not for ghosting me for 3 weeks before :(
Oh god he’s a clown I fucked a rodeo clown
Your boobs are like a folk legend.
I know! It's like he knows when my vagina wants to misbehave!
Randomize
