this kid down the hall keeps banging on his drums...i feel like i'm living in jumanji
I'm actually glad you're quitting. Now there's one less person at work who's seen me naked.
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
she said she's never had and orgasm AND she's a cubs fan...ouch.
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
Ive waited a long time for a girl with prescriptions like yours.
We made a water bong out of a wine bottle... Being an architect major finally payed off.
It's like a squid of pain has attached to my head and it spreading it's whorey tentacles all over.
He made me sneak beer in the diaper bag... guess who is winning 2012 parents of the year
I didn't want to walk to anymore parties because I found a cat. It was magical.
That cat I follow on Facebook beat cancer so we're drinking tonight in celebration
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
My dad accidentally texted me asking if I had weed...
Maybe you should say yes, and you guys can like bond or something...
I don't know what else to tell you.. just listen to some taylor swift and you'll know what to do in the morning
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
Randomize
