Hey sorry i havent responded. i threw up on my phone while i was sleeping
Oh my god he is having a sentimental moment right now.
He just sent me like a really heartfelt confession of love in which he ended with "make the apt, I'll hold your hand while you get your clit pierced."
you're the best thing to happen to me. closely followed by learning to ejaculate, and drugs.
You kept making up "snapple facts" every time you opened a beer.
It's ok for me to have his baby but I can't be his friend on fb. Wth is wrong with this
well I already know I'm going to hell, at this point it's really go big or go home
Seriously-without actually meaning the statement for it's words- that made me want to put a baby in you.
I'm an approx 70% certain someone switched my UV Blue for Windex - just as volatile as you might think.
My 7 yo sister is trying to talk my mom into buying her a strawberry margarita. Happy Cinco de Mayo.
I got a blow torch for Christmas. You are now permitted to be afraid.
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
I was too lazy to get my chapstick out of my purse so i lubed up my lips with pizza grease. On a scale of 1-10 how embarassed should i be?
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
What the fuck dude?
Sorry bro...
YOU HUMPED ME FOR AN HOUR WHILE YELLING "I GOTTA ASSERT DOMINANCE"
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
Randomize
