you kept screaming that dicks were growing out of your back and then you started crying cause they were so far from your vag
could you get any more awkward?
Probably, but last night was a special kind of drunk. It was a "let's see how drunk I can get without killing myself" drunk.
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
This summer isn't about fun. We have to train our livers to survive the next four years.
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
I'm at a nursing home getting weed. Lol when times are tough, things tend to get a lil weird
So both cops helped talk her into coming back into the bar and doing a shot with me. The main argument being, "a bar is no place to be sober!"
What!? It's 7:30am on gameday. This keg is not going to drink itself.
as a side note pls kill me
He stood next to me peeing as I was puking behind a car in the parking lot, telling me how much he loved me. On the other hand, he loves me!
I did what i always do when i miss him; masturbate and watch Bridges of Madison County.
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
In other news there's 12 shirtless Korean dudes all trying to jump on a tiny little trampoline so that's entertaining
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