Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
Turns out they use me as an example of What Not To Do at freshman orientation. My little brother told me.
Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
What can I say? I like my food like I like my women, not entirely fucked by our contemporary world.
Just did coke off of a cross necklace and am headed to the strip club. Happy Easter!
I DON'T EVEN KNOW ONE MINUTE IM SITTING HER THE NEXT IM FLYING PASSED THE MOON
PISSING MYSELF IN ZERO GRAVITY
THOSE AIN'T STARS U SEE TONIGHT GURL
Megan brought her friend up last night, greeted her by drunkedly taking a piss all over her duffle bag of clothing
No more margaritas for you. Also, tequila should be reclassified as a hallucinogen.
Must say, as a couple, she and I are thrilled that our pretend lesbianism has paid off.
We're over by the bouncy castles. I'm the one wearing a baby. Bring Twizzlers.
I'm about to be a GTA V widow, he could at least throw me a bone. Literally.
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
Well I only snuggle him I don't hump him. That's rude.
A piece of your chipped nail polish just fell out of my crotch.
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