as veruca salt said, "i want it now!"
uhh im not your indulgent father, stoned and im in the middle of making tacos. right now, tacos win
Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
Well if all fails we can always become surrogate mothers. I hear that pays well.
I actually didn't mind her sub-par blowjob skills.. It took me back to a time when skipping class was noticed, and my liver didn't look like a worn out shoe
when I went into his room, he was sleeping on his stomach, almost as if to silently say, "you're not touching my dick tonight".
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
fuck it. from now on whatever room i wake up in, i'm stealing clothes from. this walk of shame shit is too much without pants
almost just sent your mom a dick pic. almost.
Get your ass back to America. We've got a lot of drugs to do.
Hun your dick isn't big enough for you to be that lame and predictable
I think I broke my toilet with my head. There are ceramic pieces everywhere. and I might still be drunk.
My bookbag can hold 30+ beers. They shoulda put that on the tag bc its a big selling point
Idk what's worse.... Yesterday not waking up in my bed or today waking up in the hello kitty gown.
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