I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
anyone who has a picture of a ferrari with the caption "mAh DreAM caR" is getting denied as my facebook friend.
I just jerked it so loud the neighbor banged on their floor. maybe my wife got the point
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
He said finals are more important than getting stoned on 4/20. I'm proud in a disappointing kinda way
Yeah he had his two razors labeled "face" and "pubes". Should I be disgusted or impressed?
I fell alseep but then some dude picked me up. Comforter and all stuck a blunt in my mouth and carried me back downstairs because "I wasn't done partying"
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
Oh my god. I'm not ready to be an adult. I'm not ready.
true... I just kept thinking "THAT IS A PENIS. OMG THAT IS A PENIS. DOES HE KNOW IM STARRING? STOP LOOKING. OMG THIS IS AWKWARD. PENISSSSS"
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
I just look at my butt and see so much potential.
I tried to have sex on someone's sisters horse last night
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
Randomize
