I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
we are learning about oedipus in english. fuck you for making this awkward for me
no you cant smoke seaweed
just spent about 3 1/2 hours looking for a dollar so I can buy weed.
suggestion: become a stripper.
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
When I told her that her boyfriend was making out with another chick, all she said was "which one"
I hope the dean has a raincoat on because I'm prolly gonna throw up on him when I get my degree
I am burnt. Have a black eye. Face dove into the grass and got pissed on. Time of my life. God Bless the USA.
I was throwing up in the shower. He was throwing up on me. It was a cute couple moment for us.
I asked him why I was having sex with him in the middle of having sex. It was sufficiently awkward.
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
why isn't there a kind of gay where i let guys give me head but they don't expect me to give it back? i could be that kind of gay
He was that good?
His exact words: "I don't have anything you can't treat with antibiotics."
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
Randomize
