can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
REAL PEOPLE DRINK 3 BEERS ALONE WILL WATCHING THE LIFETIME MOVIE ABOUT PRINCE WILLIAM AND KATE MIDDLETON
Jen's arm is stuck between a wall and her bed. She's naked and needs someone to go help her.
theres 2 cans of open Campbell's soup on the counter and a note that says "guess which one is puke" ... want lunch?
Reunion weekend was a success. Had 3 ex's inside my vag. Hat trick!
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
My tongue is raw from licking all that salt with my tequila shots...happy cinco de mayo
It's the eve of Christ's birthday and I'm sending pictures of my tits
I just used an Amazon gift card from a student to order a new vibrator....teacher of the year
She's so nice... She deserves all the dicks.
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
so we have roughly decided that hes the dude all the chicks will bang in college, just so he will do their term papers
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