Just got back from doctors appt. He lied. It wasn't a pimple on his dick.
we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
Hi, I just found this phone under my seat at a brewers game and seeing as you're entered in as 'fillllatio' I figured I'd ask you if you know the illiterate ass who owns this phone. Thanks :)
Only you could turn Mozart into a stripper song.
Fact: my bamboo plant has grown 2 & 1/2 inches since I started watering it with bong water
found your viking helmet in the parking lot this morning, its missing a horn. There was still liquor in the remaining horn. shots from a viking helmet should be mandatory.
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
Honestly, your dog is in better hands with that homeless guy.
You made everyone who was on the patio sit on the floor and join your "ship" because you were the Captain. It was cool though. You let me be your 1st Mate.
MASS TEXT: who ever dared Todd to suck on the Clorox wipes last night.. good goin jackass. you can come visit him, hes in room 266, AFTER hes done getting his stomach pumped.
HE DARED ME TO DARE HIM... DONT PUT THAT ON ME.
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
I danced with this guy last night, I left like I was humped by a blind baby kangaroo trying to body-box.
You took a selfie with my hard dick and sent it to Scott with the caption 'Toldja'. It was hard to forget you're a teenager after that
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
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