I got "discovered a new religion high" last night
Also, we just got yelled at by a cop for being awesome...or making out in a fountain. Whatever.
I would've been fine if I didn't do the three shots
You did like 8
Look, the fact that I didn't kick him out and rip your clothes off speaks very highly of me.
I was wondering, is there any way to hook up a lawn hose to a keg?
NOT EVEN KIDDING RIGHT NOW. THE GUY IN THE SPIDERMAN COSTUME JUST FELL OFF THE ROOF INTO A BABY POOL. GET HERE NOW!!
I am gathering blankets and bags of horse grain to pad my truck bed so I have a comfy place to crash when I get home, without the inconvenience of stairs. Or doors. Or walking. But with the refreshing scent of molasses.
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
Apparently while fucking a girl in the ass last night I cracked a molar, trying to find a dentist now.
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
the amount I squirted last night was insane. Im glad i ignored tlc's advice, i went chasing waterfalls and loved every god damn minute of it.
You have a long distance relationship and I have a long distance snapchat sexting buddy. If that doesn't describe who we are as people then I don't know what does.
Hey I'm coming to get my gin do you want a good luck blowjob for your exam tmrw
It's one of those "I can't stand you but we're stuck in the same hotel room tonight so let's fuck until one of us passes out" kind of nights.
Just imagine a dick squawking like a parrot
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