You know how britney does the hair flip too much in her new videos? Thats me right now
we'll penetrate his innocence with our dicks
oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
Guess who just screamed "Everything happens for a reason!!" in the abortion clinic. This girl.
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
just had a very awkward conversation with the concierge at the hotel, they threw your underwear out
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
I remeber being on the roof last night and we put our heads togeather and we touched each others face and said "Hennessyyyy"
They used the ice bucket from their room to drink beer from and called it the "Holy Grail"
I'm two shots in and wandering around Barnes and Noble with $58 in singles.
She just sent me a message. It's a poem, about eternal love, that she wrote, about us. Just because I took her home two nights - doesn't mean it's eternal love.
He said you asked to eat pepperoni off his dick and he thought it was weird
I mean I thought it sounded fun
I'm sitting here with a heating pad and a fan on me eating snow caps off of my boobs
Randomize
