Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
My cousin's wedding had personal beer funnels for each table and a drinking game against the bride and groom. im sorry for ever calling you white trash
We just got home. I got some malt liqour and a lottery ticket so I'm really doing a lot with my life right now
besides i was ending his dry spell. it's written in the bible that jesus likes that right?
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
Playing nyquil pong with a cat again
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
Hooked up with a guy dressed as Miss Frizzle last night... Asked if I could ride his Magic School Bus
Just FYI, by the transitive property my breasts have now touched the Stanley Cup.
I want to be tan and drunk. Is that too much to ask for?
You've never felt ridiculous until you've walked through downtown in a Viking costume
Well. I mean as excuses for running late go, 'losing track of time in the bathhouse' has gotta be up there on the top ten.
wasn't that the evening we made out with the girls from the dental school, drank 3000 beers, almost had to beat up a guy at the strip club and James nailed some hot piece of tail and took her OSU windbreaker, which my dad went on to wear multiple times after finding it in the garage.
Yes. To all of that. Yes.
He's petting your head, we need to leave now.
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