i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
Why is there a case of Coors Light with my address on it?
I just saw on the news, this guy tried to smuggle coke in a bouquet of roses... and to think I used to hate valentines day.
I got an 8 ball and a free entrance pass to the strip club, if i dont get laid tonight I never will.
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
Are you really this nice or are you just trying to get in my pants?
Both?
Me and Phil are just drawing pictures of thumbs in different costumes during lecture. I love being a senior.
Yeah I don't remember why I went to the hospital though but I just called and they have my wallet
So I got hit in the face with a frying pan. So def wont be at work for first break if I'm there at all
I woke up in a strange bathroom. Was I blonde when you left me last night?
40s are totally the cure
Just keep your throat open and beer will always find its way in.
Hey, thanks for helping me this morning
Always a pleasure to feed you bread as your body lay crumpled on the floor.
I’m really regretting these suede pants.
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