The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
i've decided to use this saturday afternoon to take care of my pube situation
we just did breakfast shots, I have a black eye and savage garden is on . Best weekend ever
he drove an hour to get eggs with me not even a blow job, just eggs.
he made me have a moment of silence for the half of my ice cream cone i threw away.
Are you also wondering how we get home after the party bus?
Home?
i'm not even sure i have knees anymore. that awesome.
I threw up outside of a cab while waiting in a drive thru Mexican line while others who i don't know watched from their cars while they ate. Dinner and a show.
I mean when you laced a shot with $200 worth of cocaine I could see why you'd be mad when somebody drops it
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
You don't feed me, fuck me, or fulfill me.
my Mom is now my Eskimo sister... she fucked my ex in my bed and took a selfie
I'm at the fucking ritz Carlton and I would leave here to cuddle with her. Not even fuck, just cuddle. What th hell is wrong with me?
I think it's called love, bro
I have cats now. Five of them.
Have you considered starting a global domination firm?
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