On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
margs and chips and queso make the world go round
well and inertia
Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
I'm pretty sure whiskey overrules bulimia in the eyes of Texas boys
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
Things you do not want to hear after sex: I almost lost my gum in your pussy. Really dude, don't share that with me!
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
Everyone is out there getting real jobs and I just realized I've been "washing" my clothes with fabric softener for two months.
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
Forget about letting a 70-year-old man suck on my tits for coke... telling my new boyfriend about it was the poor life choice.
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
I think my roomie is silently judging me for spraining my foot by having sex in a bounce house
so the bounce house and tequila was good idea then?
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