I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
good call on bringing her. it's always good to invite chicks who mix booze and prescription drugs.
im so hungover...we just watched The Perfect Storm and i got seasick
She said she couldnt do it today but shed make it up to me next week
stick it in her butt and if she asks, say that thats what you thought she meant
Can you come over to my place and make up for the crap you called sex yesterday?
Good morning to you
we all know badassery is carried on the XX chromosome
when i got there he was on top of an air mattress in the middle of the pool with a bag of doritos and a 40 telling people he needed his space.
Ive made peace with the fact that i will accomplish nothing except liver damage today
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
Boobs are also good for catching the vodka gummy bears that miss my mouth
The owner was showing me around and pointed at one of the bars and said "this is the one you're allowed to dance on. I could tell you wanted to ask." DREAM JOB.
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
We found you walking up the on ramp to the highway carrying a 40 mph speed limit sign with no shoes on. Rough night?
yep, just sat in the backseat of my car for about five minutes looking for the vodka soaked underwear,when i came to the realization that i really gotta start getting my shit together..
He was tied up with the electrical tape and force fed wine from a box. It was never going to end well.
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