I think horse shit smells the best of all shits.
So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
I'm going to pre plan my black out tonight. I think I'll set a change of clothes out on my bed and unplug the oven.
She's trying to figure out what kind of dinosaur I am... Yay codeine.
YOU COME FROM SAD WHALE FAMILY, DEEP IN OCEAN!
I was so high I told him we should rub faces and pretend to be wombats. He was surprisingly enthusiastic about it.
Well, I made it all the way to the gas station. And from there, I begged a cab driver who was parked outside, to give me a piggy back ride the final 2 blocks to my apartment. I wasn't in the cab. Didn't have to pay. Drunk me is smart, and very lazy.
All I know is that I woke up with my pajamas on inside out in front of a bowl of watered down kd. Sitting up. I didn't even make it to bed.
The cops just came to this party I'm at and ate all of our snacks
Dude just crushed our bbq lays and told us to quiet down
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
I just don't wanna be that girl with no ride and no pants
I woke up to both of you drawing on me in sharpie, unless a glorious threesome was had the night before that is not okay.
Who says it wasn't?
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
If waffles and beer don't scream "fuck me!" then I don't know what else to do.
I just kept eating and watching him slide down the stairs head first
Randomize
